The “how” / Disease

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My brother and I

There is something diseased inside of me and I cannot get it out. The “how” of the eradicating is not lost on me, but the effort is what puts me off. It isn’t even the effort, it is the forgetting. It is as if I was a small creature with such a short memory and no sense of time that I constantly make the same mistakes because I have forgotten what would ultimately feed me, fuel me. This relates to what I have written about last time, the personal philosophy. The split self needs to heal.

The “how”of the healing is what I am seeking. This I also know, however. I know how to heal, I know what to do, and I have always known. It is easier to play at forgetting, but I am tired of forgetting and being as everyone else who plays at forgetting (most people). I want to be gentle and good and kind. I can see the self on the other side of effort and time that are both required in order to clean out the rot of my own body, and she is better off, she is grown and strong like a tree with deep roots. Until I have gotten better I must constantly remind myself with lists and to-dos and how-tos. I did a short experiment with myself and I stopped writing lists for awhile. Without list-making my productivity and my growth decreased drastically and I stopped caring about a lot of things. I would spend most of my time locked away in my room and avoiding human contact. I stopped waking up early in the morning and I stopped opening my windows. I haven’t let fresh air into my room for over a month now.

The care is what must be cultivated. Too much circumspection is allowed in my daily life and it impacts how I act around and treat others. It is easier to not look at people out of fear that the person will begin to demand something of you, but the only thing that anyone really wants is love and understanding. My brother texted me: “I crave another to look at me with eyes of compassion in place of misunderstanding and distrust.” My mother told me the other day about the interaction she had with a woman who she took a moment to look at sincerely and ask, “are you okay?” Acceptance is all that anyone wants and I am afraid of giving out my love freely and without fear. I love the people I love deeply, but allowing my love to stretch out to new people is a challenge that I must overcome. It is part of the disease inside of me that leads to mistrust and hesitancy.

This disease inside of me will be overcome in time. Mindfulness is just required, along with gentleness.

I will walk slowly at first.

J.

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